Pepsi Cucumber (In-cucking fredible)

So my Buddy back home got wind of the new Pepsi Cuke and wants to throw a party. He wrote me on myspace and requested that I send him some of the green stuff. What follows is a bit of our conversation by e-mail.


Dude,

That sounds like a fine idea. But I request a shrine in my honor at which you will pour one shot of the green stuff in front of a picture of me, and in front of which you will at both the beginning and end of the night all hold hands and thank me for allowing you to share in the joy that is Pepsi Cucumber. And bang some drums or some shit. And then fuck a Polar Bear while someone stands by and says "Well who invited YOU to the garden party?"

I wouldn't mind some kind of wordy picture deal made online posted on my myspace page as well. And a bag of dicks.

I've actually already had a couple of the Jolly Green Giants myself and damn I said DAMN, if Christopher Walken ever got his hands on that shit there's no telling what might happen. Before you agree to my terms, however, you should be warned- you'll have trouble ever going back to regular cola. Its that good.

But don't take my word for it. Beh-ner-neer.

You realize that this is a bit like kidnapping right? Accept of course for the fact that I left the equivalent of my child in a crack in your sofa.

I'm gonna need your address though. It'll sure be nice to have my phone back (although I've already gone and bought another (better) one.) But even if you already did the unmentionable with my phone, I'd still send them for the sheer joy in imbibing.

I've got another idea also. Come on out here and stay in J Vetter and I's mansion. We've got a place for you to sleep. Then you can drink all the cucumber Pepsi you want. You fucking junkie.


To which he responded (and had me literally busting out laughing in THE TEACHERS ROOM at the school I teach at...


Ebay?

(pasted screen shot from e-bay reading "0 results for bag of dicks")

FUCK! I'm gonna have to harvest them myself.

I've called the maintenance office in my building and asked them to send someone up to unclog my toilet. When the guy comes, I'll chloroform him and pluck his dick off. Then when the second maintenance guy comes looking for him or looking for the tool belt I'll get his dick too. I'm not sure how many maintenance guys we have here in this complex. But I know for sure that we definitely have a Postman. I'll get that bag. I figure I should send at least six - one dick for each cucumber. That's just common sense.

PEPSI CUCUMBER!

As far as trips to Japan, how many dicks will that cost me? I'll call a few airlines and ask them that question.

Figure out that exchange rate why don't you, Indian outsource customer reps. Probably not on their flow chart, if I had to guess. "I'm going to have to ask my manager, please hold sir."

Please include your address, neatly and precisely written, on the ransom package.

I don't want the wrong J-hole to open your bag of dicks and enjoy them.

P.S. - mansion, you say? That's what I've heard about Japanese cities... lots, and lots, and lots of room. You don't build up there, you build OUT.